Writers!

     I’m certain I’m not the only one to get irritated by thoughtless generic tweets, but there is a particular tweet from writers that really riles me up. I’m sure you know the one. Last week, a high-profile writer issued a plea for the tenth time this year: Folks, I’m exhausted and keep being DMed to do stuff. Please understand I can’t respond to whatever you’re asking for at the moment. My writing is my number one priority.

     Having issued this heartfelt plea to be left alone – cue twenty million likes and comments inquiring solicitously after her health – said writer (anonymous, though you might find the acronym of her name embedded in this text) still had time to post flattering selfies of herself in her new writing attire – cue another clatter of comments and likes.

     Meanwhile, the rest of us have been begging ‘to do stuff’, sending out requests for interviews and festival readings, only to be met with radio silence. And it seems especially odd that said writer, in spite of her appeals to be left alone, has had more public appearances than ever this week!

     But it was while looking at the writer modelling her new outfit that it struck me that, as well as writing, I should be diversifying and launching a Writerswear Catalogue. Just think about it - you may be envisaging my market as a bit niche, but who doesn’t want to be a writer? There are millions of would-be writers longing to embark on that first novel and might just be looking for a Maya Angelou headscarf to get started or a Brendan Behan shirt with imitation alcohol stains. I could be raking it in with Literary Loungewear for the writer-at-home in the form of boho bottoms and fleece-lined trackies to keep us warm in our freezing garrets, and it’s not just the treading of cheap balding carpets I’d cater for, but the red carpet opportunities – the book-launch blazers and bling, the festival footwear, the culture couture. Of course, I’d go for breathable fabrics to get through the sweat-inducing Q&A where an audience member might reference a bad review.

     I’ll also provide for the wannabe writers who favour the timeless tweed jacket look, formerly rocked by James Joyce and latterly adopted by the poets of Queen’s who match it with a jaunty earring. There will be more oversized beads than a herd of cats could swing off and I’ll also start a line of huge rings to adorn the delicate literary fingers. Maeve Brennan glasses will be next season’s must-have! All of it will be ‘Buy now, pay later,’ in keeping with the writerly fiscal problems.

     I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking Victor Hugo wrote in the buff, so why would writers need clothes? It’s totally true Hugo went naked to avoid the temptation of leaving his desk, but whenever it got a bit chilly he was also known to wrap himself in a grey knitted shawl. My Hugo Boss shawls will sell like hotcakes.

     And while I’m launching the Writerswear Line, I might as well branch into Literary Furniture with bespoke writing desks, back-massaging chairs, and chaise longues to help you write that poem faster than Elizabeth Barrett Browning. I’m sure I can do a great line in my Exclusive Bibliotheque brand of bookcases. As Sydney Smith aptly said, ‘No furniture is so charming as books, even if you never open them or read a single word.’ With every bookcase, you’ll also receive a FREE set of my short story collections, as I have to empty the boxes in my spare room.

     And while I’m thinking of books, yet another spin-off has popped into my head. A Writer Naming Service. For just nine pounds ninety-nine (or a bargain-busting twelve euros!) you will be furnished with a new nom de plume guaranteed to give you as much writing success as Anne Enright. I’ve previously spoken of the importance of a Hibernian surname if you want to make it as an Irish writer, but for an extra five euros I’m offering the Oscar Wilde Special where I’ll replace your boring lacklustre name with a sparkling five-letter triumph. Wilde had the art of names down to a science, claiming that one name consisting of five letters would be remembered forever and vaunting that he’d been doubly blessed with Oscar and Wilde. Of course, he was right – just look at Dumbo, Plato, Adele, Jesus, Trump and Boris!

     But why not have as many names as possible? Flann O’Brien pushed the boat out with two pseudonyms (and a few other minor aliases), and in his honour, I am introducing my Myles na gCopaleen Option where you can have a customized surname in the Irish language  – just as his name meant ‘Myles of the Little Horses’, I might christen you ‘Giles of the Big Donkeys’ or whatever other Irish ruralities spring to mind. But the real gold standard of my service is the European Deluxe where Irish forename meets a heavyweight of literature or politics. Imagine yourself stepping into the foyer of the Abbey Theatre as Naoise Stendhal or sashaying up to collect that coveted Rooney Prize as Mícheál Mann or hoovering up the Orwell Prize as Caitlin Marx. Just as Sally Rooney won the Rooney, how could Oisín Nobel not be a serious contender for the Nobel Prize?

     But why don’t you start with yourself, I hear you asking.

     Well, I have and I’m now Ros Mhuire na Lagairini (translated as Rosemary of the Little Lagers), as I’m planning to open my own writers’ brewery. I’m guessing you’ve all heard of the huge success of Writers’ Tears Irish Whiskey, so I am launching my own line of Writers’ Tears Beers, followed by Writers Bitter and a low-price lager called Writers on the Brew.

     In fact, I’m now so busy with all these ideas I hardly have any time to tweet, but if I did, I’d write:

     Folks, I’m absolutely cream-crackered. Please understand I have no time to answer your requests, but I promise I’ll get back to you when I can…